Uncategorized

in

Jeff Renner, you son of a bitch.

You, the "chief meteorologist of King 5," told me it was supposed to snow yesterday. It didn't. One to 3-inches of accumulation in the Seattle area, you said. Blasphamy. I'm about to go old school on your ass and cut off your tongue (with the machete Scott gave me for Christmas) for the blatant lie you told.

Even King 5 meteorologist Shannon O'Donnell, the Vanna White to your Pat Sajak, said it was going to snow us into a new Ice Age yesterday, but instead it just rained. And rained. The only thing worse than a dick tease is a snow tease, and Shannon O'Donnell is Queen Snow Tease.

Weatherpeople piss me off. They seek to fill their audience with disappointment under the veil of forecasting weather.

Ever since I can remember, I fell for all the commercial teasers by local broadcast stations claiming that snow was on the way. What a ratings scam. I stayed up late for the 11 o'clock news every time, wading through the sports, politics and untimely death reports to learn if and when snow would arrive. Yes, snow is on the way, the weatherperson would say. I'd then go to sleep, anxious to frolic in the snow the following morning. I'd dream of snowmen, snow angels, sledding and making yellow snowcones. Yet, in the morning, I would look out the window and see the same grass and concrete I saw every non-snowy morning. The grief and disappoint was unbearable. At age 5, I didn't have the diction I would later developed as a teenager, otherwise I would have said, "Fuck this."

I'm convinced that at least half the children in juvenile detention centers must be disturbed and angered by false snow forecasts. Thankfully, I had the outlet of playing mildly violent 8-bit Nintendo video games or tracing Cookie Monster and Elmo to calm my nerves, otherwise I'd probably be selling crack today.

"Weatherpeople" is the modern, politically-correct term for what people used to call "prophets" back in the day. Just like weatherpeople, prophets thought they knew what would happen in the future, but were usually wrong. Most of them did it for the attention. Sure some of them had God on their side, but today's weatherpeople have science on their side. Close enough.

I can only pray that, hundreds of years from now, some lunatic doesn't start a religion worshipping Jeff Renner.

in

I was struck by an epiphany yesterday, as I left REI with new ski poles, goggles and gloves in hand.

Lately, I’ve been buying some fairly expensive items for myself – camera equipment, clothing, HDTV, etc. Certainly I’m enabled by a comfortable-enough salary for such purchases, but I often say to myself, “Well, you would be spending at least this much if you were dating someone, but since you’re not, you can buy it.” And I proceed the purchase the item for myself.

I think I’ve noticed the trend because of more significant purchases recently. I’ve been single for more than two years now, but if I were instead in a relationship for the last two years, I’d be buying some significantly expensive gifts for the girlfriend by this time – so I instead buy more expensive gifts for myself. It’s a weird economic logic that’s developed, but it’s become the standard buying behavior.

I can even look back to a year and a half ago. I was single for a shorter period of time and didn’t spend as much on myself. My thought then was, “Sure, I’ll go out for food tonight because I’d be spending double if I was dating someone,” which was true. I was at an earlier stage of singlehood then, so I spent less on myself. Now that I’m at a serious level of singlehood, I’m spending more.

I can’t justify why I maintain this purchasing equilibrium, but I can say that when I’m home, watching “The Office” on HD, out shooting photos at a concert, or hitting the slopes at Crystal, I’m at peace with the financial freedoms of singlehood. Company has an unprecedented value, but I’ll manage spoiling myself for the time being, in lieu of a girlfriend.

in

This holiday season's must-see movie is "Juno."

The movie blends the arid humor and neo-folk soundtrack of "Napoleon Dynamite" with the tug-on-heartstrings, familial interactions of "Little Miss Sunshine."

The plot is simple. Teenager Juno McDuff (Ellen Page) gets knocked up by her classmate, Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera), and finds her unborn child a seemingly perfect set of adoptive parents (Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner). The bigger picture is really about a young woman having to tread through heavy, adult issues she's not ready for. It's that coming-of-age film that just works.

Actress Ellen Page delivers. OK, bad joke. But really, she deserves that Best Actress nomination and a win for her character creation of the sharp, witty Juno. The writing is endearing, clever and more full of teenage energy than a bottle of Adderall.

Go see Juno. I'll join.