Phones are the new cigarettes

Gramps tells me stories about working at Boeing back in the Mad Men days -- smoking at every meeting, discoloring walls and tables, and taking smoke breaks every hour. Today I go to meetings where everyone is heads down staring at their phones, and they take breaks to spend more time on their phones. Both habits are odd and totally acceptable in their time.

I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to checking my phone for email, texts and social media updates. It's a nearly constant habit during the day, but when I'm home I try to lose my phone until the morning. I'd much rather enjoy my home than the email burden after-hours.

I got Amanda into a similar habit by accident. Ever since she got that damn iPhone she checks email, Twitter and mostly Facebook like they were lifelines. For example, my alarm usually goes off first in the morning and Amanda rolls over to grab her iPhone and check Facebook. It's become a Pavlovian response.

Phones physically resemble cigarettes. Think about it. Amanda's got this white case for her iPhone. The phone itself is round, thin and shiny. She looks cool when she uses it. All of the hip advertisements and commercials feature people using similar phones. The phones are marketed with the same messages, like "With an app, the phones can help you lose weight." All that's missing is Joe Camel.

You know how you don't realize you have a problem until you see someone else has it? That feeling hit me like a phone bill recently. I suppose smokers can relate. I know a lot of smokers who quit because they didn't like how smokers smelled or what their teeth looked like. All of a sudden I'm noticing that I don't like how hooked Amanda is to her phone and I don't like the way I am either. And I'm worse. It's time for us to wear a patch or start chewing that funny-tasting gum that you only get when you're at a bar.

For more on our connected-disconnected culture, check out this video featuring one of Amanda's new favorite, local musicians, Macklemore.

Honeymoon snafu

Remember that fabulous Costa Rica honeymoon I have been bragging about? Well, AT&T, Expedia and US Airways tried to ruin it for me. Oh how they tried.

First I need to blame Expedia. Amanda and I have both received several voicemails over the last few weeks about how our flight itineraries had changed. Thing was, nothing had changed. We kept receiving follow-up emails confirming the exact itinerary we had originally scheduled! I called Expedia to investigate and the representative I spoke with had no additional information about why we had originally received the calls.

I thought we were in the clear.

Wrong.

Amanda received another voicemail while we were on our way up to Seattle on Sunday to meet the caterer and see the Lake Forest Park reception venue again with Mom and Courtney. Shame on us for having a good time blaring music on the way up!

I called Expedia back immediately. After waiting 15 minutes on hold to speak to someone at Expedia, I spent another half hour or so waiting on hold while the Expedia guy talked to the US Airways. Our return flight had been cancelled and there was no other way to get us back on the day we had originally planned. ANNOYING. Thanks, US Airways! I'm sure the "Happiest Place on Earth" has a tough time attracting enough tourists to fill your planes.

For the record, I think Expedia and like airline aggregates are great. They have a place in the travel industry because they connect the dots between airline itineraries and find the lowest rates. Great. What I hate about them is that they really just are a hurdle when it comes to customer service. I didn't call the Expedia guy just to be put on hold while he calls US Airways! I'd much rather had just called US Airways myself and saved the initial Expedia hold time dammit.

By this time we were at the caterer location, Husky Deli, in West Seattle. I was pacing around the wine section (a comfort zone) while waiting for the Expedia guy to confirm my flight changes with US Airways. This is where the AT&T blame comes in.

I DROPPED THE CALL. I dropped the call after nearly an hour on the phone -- 95 percent of it hold time. AT&T, I need you to keep a line when I am in the middle of West Seattle surrounded by no tall buildings or mountains. I can understand if I was on the slopes skiing or in the basement of UW building, BUT I WASN'T. Shortly thereafter I received an email from Expedia confirming my flight from Costa Rica to Charlotte WITH NO RETURN FLIGHT TO SEATTLE. After all that time trying to figure out ways to get back to Seattle, Expedia leaves us in Charlotte. WTF WTF WTF!

I was done with customer service and dropped calls and all-up errors that day. It was Sunday and I was supposed to be having a good time with Amanda, Mom and Courtney wedding planning. We did. I dropped the stress like an AT&T call to focus on the rest of the day.

I picked up where I left off on Monday morning by calling Expedia again to get a flight from Charlotte to Seattle. I went through the hoops with Expedia again and again dropped the call before I could get confirmation about the changes. That was another half hour lost. I called back. I got a hold of an Expedia agent right away but the hold times for him to call US Airways were extremely long -- 25 minutes at one point. I had the hold music permanently branded into my brain by this point. I had to skip a work meeting just to stay on the line as I would have lost the connection if I had stepped in the elevator. I based out of Tully's for the first half hour of my work day just to wait for the Expedia agent to get back on the phone and confirm the new itinerary, now spending the night in Los Angeles and returning to Seattle a day late. No comp for the hotel either. Subtract that from any wedding money earned.

At least I had resolution. Two hours and 30 minutes later I had resolution. We are getting to Costa Rica and we are coming back and we are going to have a great honeymoon, so help me God.

Foto Friday: The new Woodward cometh

Last Saturday I had a chance to visit with the Woodwards and their new daughter, Torrun.

Trailer trash found here

Imagine my surprise when I saw THIS parked next to my house when I arrived home Thursday after work.

I expressed what my middle finger communicates in all ways possible right then and there.

Our neighbors across the street have a part-time hobby of flipping trailers (good for them), so I figured they were the culprits. I gave it a couple days for them to either assume the crap in their own driveway or dump the hopeless trailer.

On Sunday morning -- Valentine's Day -- I woke up to beautiful morning featuring that same crappy trailer parked outside our house. How romantic. It had been two days and now I was pissed.

I marched over to talk to the neighbors who shared their sympathy with me. They didn't claim the trailer and said they had already called the city about it. Of all street corners in Tacoma, someone had chosen mine to dump the vehicle. Ugh. From there, I knocked on the doors of the other neighbors just to disassociate myself from the trailer, let them know that we were doing something about it and otherwise plead that they don't consider me white trash.

I called the City of Tacoma, too. The trailer has plates on it, but all the lady on the phone told me was that there wasn't a record of the trailer being stolen. Well no shit, Sherlock. Who would want to steal this? I filed my report to little satisfaction.

By late Sunday, some cats (not Fabrizio) were crawling in and out of the porous trailer, which is filled with junk - tires, wood, etc. This could have been a meth lab for all I know.

The City of Tacoma also let us know that it could take THREE WEEKS to remove the trailer. The thing got tagged with spray paint in TWO NIGHTS. I didn't mind because it actually improved the aesthetic.

So what to do now? We can try to tow it somewhere, but half of the tires are flat (probably punctured after the trailer was dropped off). We can push it out into the street to create a hazard, but it might just get pushed back to the curb rather than be towed away.

We're going to continue to bug the the city about it because that's all that we can responsibly do, or just put our garbage cans next to it and hope the garbage man gets the idea.

The night of the magical, mystery energy drink

Amanda has been working overnight shifts this week, which has allowed me some additional time (and expectations) to finish hanging and touching up our kitchen cupboards. I planned to finish the cupboards last night but was feeling sluggish. My insomniac Dad left a couple bottles of 5-hour Energy at our house and I figured it’d be worth a try getting an extra energy boost to get the job done. GroomsAdvice.com recommends grooms drink it before a wedding over other energy drinks, so this would be a good test.

At 6 p.m. I drank the concoction, which tasted no worse than any other expired energy drink that Scott often forces upon me when we’re skiing. I didn’t notice a difference in the way I felt either. According to the directions, you’re supposed to feel the energy boost after five minutes. I didn’t feel much of a difference after 10 minutes, so I forgot about it and got to working.

I finished the job at around 10 p.m. WAIT. 10 p.m.? I thought it was 7:30 p.m. at the latest. That sneaky bastard of an energy drink snuck up on me big time. I was totally focused and felt amazing – not usually the case after a home project.

I felt giddy, too. I took a break to watch The Office and it was HILARIOUS. Can’t tell you why, but that show had me cacklin’. At commercial I put the show on pause and grabbed my guitar. I played ONE song FOR 45 MINUTES. It passed like four minutes. I rewinded the TV (Thanks, DVR!) and finished The Office. It was like the commercial never happened! I was living in a blissful time-warp. Call me Marty McFly.

It’s funny how you appreciate little things about people when they’re not around. By 11:30 p.m. I was really appreciative about how Amanda keeps me on a schedule. She likes to go to sleep by 10 p.m. without fail, and that always benefits me the next day. In fear of having a terrible morning, I shut down the house and went to bed, reluctantly fighting the urge to watch Bruce Lee vignettes on YouTube.

Fabrizio joined me on the bed. I curled up and tried to sleep. No luck. The bed was moving. I felt like I was on a magic carpet! It was Fabrzio’s fault. He was cleaning himself, which I’m sure he does every night, but this time I could feel his every little lunge to clean his paws. It felt like he was lifting the bed and slowly waving it like a flag in the wind. I pushed him to the floor to transform my magic carpet back to a bed.

Then, at around midnight, I could only hear my heartbeat. It actually wasn’t my heart. It was a hummingbird that replaced my heart. I thought for some time about the hummingbirds that frequent my grandparents condo in Palm Desert. I fell asleep with the comfort that I like hummingbirds and that I had one now.

5-Hour Energy isn’t technically liquid crack, but it sure does feel like it. The company is totally transparent about its ingredients, which include Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Niacin (Vitamin B3), Folic Acid (Vitamin B9), Citicoline, Tyrosine, Phenylalanine, Taurine, Malic Acid, Glucuronolactone and caffeine.

I know what the vitamins and caffeine are. The rest of the ingredients are just dinosaur names. 5-Hour Energy warns that “A small percentage of people are sensitive to Niacin (Vitamin B3) and may experience a “Niacin Flush” (hot prickly feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. This is caused by Niacin increasing blood flow near the skin.” That sounds normal, right?

The real problem with 5-Hour Energy is that it falsely advertises. If you’ve been keeping track of my timeline, my energy boost lasted six hours – It’s even better than the brand claims!

Back to my story… I woke up at 6 a.m. for a work call at 6:30 a.m. and I was scared that I would feel the side effects of my energy kick. If alcohol has a consequence then so must this liquid crack.

Not the case. I felt really great. Certainly normal and I felt rested. After the call I cleaned up my repairs mess from the previous evening and even remembered to take out the garbage out to the street for the garbage dudes to pick up. That rarely happens without reminder. I felt accomplished.

I also felt nervous. In the words of Tobey Macguire’s Spiderman, “Great power comes with great responsibility.” This 5 Hour Energy is some powerful stuff, so I must use it sparingly – namely on my wedding day, during finals week and on the weekends.