Dear Eliza, Five Months Old

Dear Eliza,

Last night, your Mom took off for a well-deserved, hour-long massage. You and I were left alone, no big deal.

Except that you decided to be a terror for 90 minutes, and in rare form. I tried every move in the playbook to keep you happy: Play area, high chair, bouncy saucer, reading, taking a nap, drinking a bottle... You rarely stayed happy for more than a few minutes at a time before you started a progression of groaning, growling, whining, fake crying and real crying. 

The only thing that kept you content was being held and walking around. Maybe you decided you were tired of baby stuff and just wanted to take a high perch like an adult? That's fine. I look forward to you learning some sign language to help tell me that in the future so I don't have to try so hard.

You were acting really whiny and needy, like "Dad, don't you understand that when I'm in my play area I need to face due north and need my toys between 4 and 6 inches away from my reach and in rainbow color order?" You can be anything you want to be in life, but you CANNOT be high maintenance. That's the worst. 

Of course, when Mom came back in her post-massage loose and half-awake state, you sprung back to life. I think you're just in Mom-mode right now.

To the point of last night's event, you're starting to show a lot of personality. You care more about what's happening around you and make expressions about how you feel. You absolutely love Greta right now. Whenever she walks by wagging her tail or playing with a toy, you light up and laugh really hard. Greta is less scared of you now that she realizes that you're less of a strange doll we carry around and more of a person. It's nice to see you both getting along.

Your Mom says you are the most wiggly baby she's ever seen, which is saying a lot. You love to stand on laps and shake your hips around like there's an invisible hula hoop you're trying to keep up. When you sleep, you're like a clock and rotate from about 12 to 9 clockwise each night. You dangle your legs outside the crib to lock yourself into a position where we find you in the morning. If we put you down for a nap with socks on, you pull them off. I totally get it. I do the same thing. Too hot.  

Because your core is getting so strong, now you can sit in a high chair like a big girl and also sit forward-facing in a stroller, which gives you better views on walks. You also like to sit in a bouncy saucer that looks something like a baby spaceship. You swing wildly back and forth when we put you in it. It looks like you're in a mosh pit of one.

The baby spaceship is where we put you when you talk to your Grammie and Popa in Indiana on video calls. It's nice that you get to see them that way, and they should be out for a visit soon.

But it's not like you're sticking around home either. You're an international traveler now! We made a weekend trip to Whistler to go skiing and brought the whole family -- you, me, Mom and Greta. You didn't do anything weird at the border crossings. Nice job staying calm and relaxed. We had a hotel right in Whistler Village, so you and Mom did some shopping while I enjoyed a day skiing. I think you really like the snow and a cool breeze on your face because you are so happy being outside in this winter weather. You were also easy when we went out to restaurants, which is awesome. We've been going out to eat as a family almost weekly and you have yet to throw a fit and force us to leave a restaurant in the middle of a meal like in the movies. Let's keep it that way.    

You were also a good baby for Grandma Vicki when your Mom and I took a day off to ski at Crystal Mountain. That was a long day without Mom but you rocked it. You got to hang out at the Chaffee cabin and saw a herd of elk during the day. Lucky! 

We've got a lot more travel together ahead and some of my work travel that will keep us apart in the next couple months. I'm flying to Austin here in a few hours and will miss you and Mom a lot over the work weekend. Leaving for these small stretches is infrequent but that doesn't make it easier. I'm learning how to feel torn in wanting to stay home with you while also looking forward to the travel, just like before you arrived. It's hard to explain the feeling, so I'll leave you with a quote:

"I exist in two places: here and where you are."

Love, Dad

Dear Eliza, Four Months Old

Dear Eliza, 

You are a funny kid. You are so happy all the time. All smiles.

When I lay you on the changing table you start cracking up. If I tickle your arms and shoulders and make silly sounds, I can get you to belly laugh for a few minutes straight. It's like a dance party when you get your diaper changed. You kick and wail your arms out of excitement. If your Mom says, "wiggle, wiggle," you respond with more dancing and shaking. 

We've been listening to more music around the house, so maybe that inspires you. Our playlist has evolved from Caspar Babypants to Adele. We listen to so much Adele right now. There's a Bob Dylan song that Adele covered called "Make You Feel My Love." When your Mom sings along, you lock eyes and smile so big. It's the only song you respond to like that, and it's really sweet to watch. Sometimes we slow dance to it. I think that might be our song. 

I think you'll find as you get older that your Mom and I have complementary strengths. It's a good thing. I have a vision for the future but am terrible at the details. Your Mom has great attention to detail, but her vision is narrowly focused on the next real estate investment, alternating between a next home and cabin. I am holding out on your Mom's real estate vision for the time being, but her attention to detail caught something very important a few weeks ago -- the bump above your right eyebrow. 

Your Mom looks at you so much, especially while nursing, and knows you cowlick to toe. Several weeks ago she showed me a very small bump,that we hadn't noticed before. We immediately attributed it to some kind of bruise that would go away, and I didn't think much of it after that.

But your Mom didn't forget about it. She kept that bump on watch. That's what Moms do. They examine and notice and care obsessively. Your Mom brought up again a couple weeks later that the small bump was still there and was concerned it was more than a colorless bruise. We agreed to take you to the pediatrician, and he confirmed that you had a dermoid cyst. Mom is always right.

The news was a little scary to us. Of course, we were relieved it wasn't something cancerous. 

To be honest, I had really hoped that bump was some sort of primitive, infant zit that would work its way out with a squeeze. As it turns out, a cyst like that is made out cell structures and in some cases hair, fluid and little teeth. Not something you want to squeeze out. Gag. 

Your Mom took you to Seattle Children's hospital to confirm the diagnosis. The doctor there said you'll have a little surgery after your first birthday to remove the cyst, otherwise it could grow more and create a little divot in your skull as it grows around the cyst. You'll be able to cover up a little scar in the future with make-up more easily than a divot in your forehead.

Scars are cool, and this one will be tiny. You'll rock it. Your beautiful eyes will draw attention from any imperfections in their vicinity. 

Beside your bump, you've been progressing really well. You have motor skills unlike anything your Mom has seen before. You're still tall for your age and wearing 6-month clothes. You've been showing a wider range of behavior. When you get frustrated or excited, you eat your hand. I'll take that over crying, and it's kind of entertaining to see you attack your hand like it's corn on the cob. When you're tired, you kind of groan and growl. I joke that you're possessed. In the case you actually are, I'll call a priest immediately. 

The other night you took an interest in Greta. As she played with her frisbee you laughed so hard you couldn't catch your breath. I hope you two get to entertain each other for many years to come. That way, I can nap more. 

You have moved into your own room. Your Mom and I got brave this month and put you in your big-girl crib to sleep at night, and we gave the bassinet in our room to your Aunt Nina as she prepares to bring your cousin into the world. That was a good force function to give the bassinet away so that we don't easily bring you back into our room out of worry. 

Through the baby monitor, I can see that you're expressing a lot of my sleep behaviors. You are a side sleeper! Side sleepers unite! You're also a loud sleeper like me. Allegedly I snore, but I've never heard it. 

We've started to introduce you to more activities that entertain your Mom and me. We went snowshoeing for the first time at Hurricane Ridge! Your Mom and I had never been there, so it was fun to explore a new place with you. We took a short walk because your Mom read somewhere that you shouldn't take your child out in the elements much before 6 months. I politely disagreed and thought that conditioning you early will make you more inclined to tough out weather. I think I was right because you didn't complain much being out in the cold and snow (because it's fun!). 

We also took you to White Pass for a ski trip. We split a cabin with the Broili's and Gephart's in Packwood for a weekend, and you got plenty of attention from everyone in the cabin. You've hung out with your Mom a few times at the Chaffee ski cabin, but this time you got to go up to the lodge! Greta puked in the car on the way up, which was gross and smelly. Poor Greta.

Your Mom and I rotated between skiing and hanging out with you. Your Mom forgot her ski pants at the cabin, so we shared my ski pants. I enjoyed the one-on-one time holding you and talking to you while your Mom was out. You spent a lot of time people watching, which totally makes sense because people look strange in ski gear and walking around awkwardly in ski boots. Of course, I was the guy walking around in long underwear, so I contributed to the scene.

On the drive out to White Pass, your Mom and I got talking about how to raise you. It's easy to keep doing the same thing and staying in the same pattern. We talked about "being present" and in control of how we're living, not just settling for what's easy. There's no fast answer here. We'll have a lifetime of ongoing conversation about if we're living in the right place and spending time the right way and in the best interest of what will make you an outstanding person and make our family collectively fulfilled and happy.

Eventually, you'll find a voice in this matter about what makes you happy, and what's in our best interest. I look forward to hearing it. Until then, I'll take the groans and growls. 

Love, Dad

Dear Eliza, Three Months Old

Dear Eliza,

You are growing so fast. Stop it.

You are only three months old, but you are so tall that you fit most comfortably in six-month clothing. When you wear three-month clothing and stretch out after a nap, it looks like your little feet are going to punch through your close-toed pajamas.

You continue to sleep really well and better than Greta, who likes to wake me up consistently for a late-night bathroom break. You have a crunchy cough right now that bothers us a lot more than it bothers you. It makes our hearts ache a little every time we hear it. Mom likes to check your temperature several times a day to make sure you don't have a fever (with the ear thermometer, don't worry).

The past month included two great highlights: first travels and first laughs.

You made your first trip back to Indiana to meet your mother's side of the family for Christmas. Your ethnicity is 50% Hoosier.

Our first travel by airplane together had its ups and downs (Get it?! #DadJoke).

We failed by choosing not to bring a stroller. Instead, I carried you in your car seat through most of SeaTac Airport. Your Dad has fairly strong, well-chiseled guns admired by women in many area codes, but they could only handle so many minutes of carrying you at a time along with all the other luggage. 

On the airplane, a nice flight attendant moved a nervous girl in our row, so we got the whole row to ourselves! It made the flight to Detroit, where your Grammie and Popa picked us up, a breeze. The take-off and landing didn't phase you at all. What a champ. You're ready for world travel.   

Grammie and Popa hosted a lovely Christmas. A stranger would have thought you were the second coming of baby Jesus for all the visitors that came to see you. It was a parade of family and friends. We exchanged gifts. I hooked you and Mom up with some new Patagonia outerwear, and I got a Kindle to insure I remain literate so that I can teach you to read in a few years. You also received some fun rattles that you played with right away because your little pinchers are starting grasp whatever is put in front of them. The day after Christmas, we ate a maple bar for Gramps, per tradition, while you focused on eating your hands.  

You met two great-grandmothers, Barbara Artherhults and Carolynn Lowden (Grandma Chicken) and only remaining great-grandfather, Carl Artherhults. You are a very lucky little girl to have met all four of your great-grandmothers. 

Our flight back home from Indiana wasn't quite as easy as the first time. We shared the row this time, so your Mom was crammed in the window seat with you and your Boppy (baby cushion). I was stuck in the middle. We traded off trying to keep you happy. You were for the most part. Your Mom was really concerned about a blow-out diaper but you pardoned us from that. Many thanks. 

We spent New Years Eve at the Chaffee cabin, and I skied at Crystal Mountain on New Year's Day while you hung out with Aunt Courtney, Bridger and Bennett. You saw some elk for the first time! Mom has the picture to prove it. The Northwest is full of great, wild creatures. Only pet Greta.

Just a few days after the New Year, you surprised us with your greatest feat yet: laughing. 

Not just laughing, but belly laughing. 

A neighbor, Teri, came over to update us on what's been happening around the neighborhood and for some reason you thought that was the funniest thing. She was wearing a funny winter hat, and I think that's what set you off. You laughed hard for a few minutes off and on. I couldn't stop laughing as a result. We grabbed a phone and caught the last of your chuckles on video. It was the most wonderful sound. It was a great laugh. 

There's not enough laughter in the world, so keep laughing and you'll make it a better place.

Love, Dad 

Dear Eliza, Two Months Old

Dear Eliza,

You are growing so fast! Sometimes I wish I could just stop time and enjoy more of you at this age, but as you grow and engage more with the world each day you are even more fun. I'm torn!

You are starting to really track people with your eyes and at further distances. You have amazing eye contact, which will serve you well in life. You realized you have hands and are starting to use them, especially during nursing and bottle feeding. When I hold you, you grab my shirt collar and usually a batch of chest hair with it. Ouch. You still can't speak English. 

You are starting to giggle and laugh! Your Mom and I make silly noises to solicit this, and when you reward us it is the absolute highlight of the day. I cannot stop smiling when you do.

You got your first round of shots yesterday at your 8-week appointment. I didn't attend, but Mom says you did great. You are also super healthy! The doctor says your motor skills are really advanced and you're in the 89th percentile for height, 76% for weight and 51% for head circumference. Nice work. Mom is always a little worried about her milk supply but you're proving things are just fine. It's astonishing that you can grow so much just with mother's milk. For a stretch in college I primarily ate chicken nuggets. I don't think it was as healthy an option.

I have been sick the last week and I've been trying to keep you from catching this lingering cold. The first few days I kept my distance from you and didn't touch you, which was really hard. The last few days I've been more liberal and have gotten back to holding you and bottle feeding you. I figure you catch the cold, your immunity system will build up that much faster. 

I've felt these last few weeks like I've been working a lot, or rather work has taken a lot of my attention. I realize it more now that you're here and I can be spending the time with you. I shouldn't complain. Other people have jobs that require them to work longer hours and with inconvenient commutes that keeps them away from home. I think I have a good system now. I wake up fairly early, around 5 a.m., and start work a couple hours before I actually leave for the office. That way, I don't have to work as often after 5 p.m. when I get home and I can focus on you and Mom. 

I wonder about what work will be like for you. Depending on your career choice, you may be able to have a very flexible work schedule and maybe not have to go to an office at all. Maybe the idea of "careers" will be different. I hope at the very least we will be more culturally favorable of a 4-day work week and companies will provide more holiday, vacation and parental leave time. Some tech companies are very advanced on that front. Some European and Nordic countries really have it right. I wouldn't mind if you decided to work in a foreign country one day if those perks aren't here. I'd surely visit or perhaps follow you there. 

Speaking of tech companies, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg stole my idea. He recently wrote a publicly-facing letter to his newborn daughter, Max. I'm not sure it's coincidence this happened shortly after I wrote my first letter to you. I'll forgive him for stealing the idea only because he also announced he's planning to donate about $45 billion to causes that will benefit your generation.

I'm not that rich, but the first time you read this letter, ask me for $45 and I'll give it to you on the spot. 

Love, Dad   

Dear Eliza, One Month Old

Dear Eliza, 

You are already more than one month old. It's been amazing. Your entire life has been the best of mine. 

You are more and more fun every day. You are starting to smile and giggle. You are the loudest sleeper. You coo and talk all night. You fart a lot and seem to poop when my hand is on your butt. I feel the vibrations and laugh. I guess that's bonding? 

Because your Mom gets to hang out with you all day and late nights, I get to hold you most of the evenings after I'm home from work. It's the best. I usually prop you up on my knees and sit on the couch. We just stare at each other because you don't speak English yet. All of that staring makes you tired, so you'll complain for a second and I'll transition you to fall asleep on my chest. 

A lot of people ask how you're sleeping, and so far it's not that rough at all. I think I'm sleeping 5-10% less than I did before. That's mostly because your Mom does the hard work of feeding or pumping. I am good at waking up suddenly saying, "Is everything OK?" and then promptly falling back to sleep. Our border collie Greta gets up a couple times a night anyway, so we are well-trained parents. You're a good sleeper but not much of a morning person. You stretch your arms for an hour trying to wake up and wring your wrists like your Mom. 

In the broader scheme, we had a lot of restless nights for years before you were born, wondering if you'd ever come into our lives. Getting a up a couple times to see and help you isn't a burden. It's a blessing.

Outside of our home, the world keeps on ticking. The Seahawks aren't having a great season. It seems we'll have a good snowpack this year for some good skiing. The presidential primaries are all entertainment. I couldn't tell you who will be the Republican candidate because I can't take Donald Trump seriously. I bet Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic candidacy because Bernie Sanders is too reformative and will be seen as too old. As a Dad to a daughter, I would be excited to see a woman president. Paris has been attacked by a terrorism group, and we've been experiencing a week of memorials. 

I wrote most of the above to date this letter when you read it later. You probably won't remember or recall hearing about any of it because the world changes quickly and the new shines more brightly than the old in our minds. If Hillary Clinton becomes president in this next term, you'll remember her like I do Ronald Reagan -- out of (an online) history book. In your lifetime, there will be more bad Seahawks seasons, some bad snow years (global warming is real), more woman presidents and more terrorism. The latter scares your Mom a lot. She wouldn't travel to Paris anytime soon because of it. 

It's intimidating because you're so new, but I am pushing on us doing some traveling in the next year. We'll start with a weekend in Leavenworth for your Mom's birthday. Then we're off to Indiana for Christmas (by way of Detroit) for your first plane ride. Everyone in Indiana is really excited to meet you. We have big plans next year for Hawaii and possibly Europe. You fly free until age 2, so we should take advantage of that and a time before you're mobile and more demanding. 

Travel is really important to me, and I hope it becomes a passion for you. Travel guru Rick Steves wrote, "Globetrotting destroys ethnocentricity. It helps you understand and appreciate different cultures. Travel changes people. It broadens perspectives and teaches new ways to measure quality of life. Many travelers toss aside their hometown blinders. Their prized souvenirs are the strands of different cultures they decide to knit into their own character." 

As I think about how to help you become a fantastic person, travel is a technique. Seeing how other people live will expedite your perspective on how you want to live and make you appreciate wherever you call home many years from now. Travel will assist your pursuit of happiness. I hope you are brave like your mother and choose a place to live, not just defaulting to where you're from (Northwest is best) but based upon where you want to be. 

For now, this little house in north Tacoma is your home, your first home. It feels more like a home to me because you're in it, cooing and crying and everything in between. Thank you for that.

Love, Dad