Actual IM conversation today:

Scott: I think I need to get a general doctor... haven't had one since high school.
Me: Not a bad idea considering how injury-prone you are. And your immune system is subpar. Courtney is embarrased by your inability to fight the common cold.
Scott: My ability to fight the common cold is FINE... I think I have that SUPERBUG they are always talking about on Discovery Channel that will kill everyone in the world.
Me: OK. I get it. You have the Bird Flu.