I haven't felt this sick since I had whooping cough in junior high.
I saw the doctor this morning, but he was unable to diagnose the cause of my symptoms or why I suddenly had the goiter of John Goodman. My strep test came back negative.
My greatest concern now is my breathing, which is restricted from the swelling in my neck. I can't swallow any solids so I've been on a Slurpee and smoothie diet all day.
If I'm not better late tonight I might check myself into the hospital because I don't want to deal with any emergencies overnight.
Mad props to the Wives for helping me out. I've lost my ability to talk (I can make sounds, but can't articulate because of the swelling), but they've been patient with my make-shift sign language and help me get around the apartment.
I'll update folks here if something major changes.
Update: I stayed home last night after all and feel much better this morning. The swelling is going down and I have more real estate in my throat to work with. Hopefully I'll be back to work tomorrow.