Denim wars

I need new jeans - badly. I've worn the wash out of my Lucky jeans, and the Kenneth Cole and Ben Sherman jeans that I found at Goodwill (what a steal!) last year have seen better days, too. I've been on the hunt for some new jeans off and on for the last couple months, which you think would be an easy thing. I wear 32x32, and that's a fairly common, always-in-stock size.


I cannot find a 32x32 pair of jeans that fits over my calves. I have muscular soccer legs and a matching backside. Ladies, you're welcome.

Why are all the men's jeans designed to fit like women's jeans these days? Now I know why Scott wears cargo pants all the time. And if he wears jeans, they're Carhartts.

Before a grad school meeting yesterday, Amanda and I found time to shop in the U-district. We went to Urban Outfitters, where I tried on some 33x32 Levi jeans. This is the all-American demin, right? I gave myself the extra inch in the waist just to make sure I wasn't kidding myself.

I couldn't get the jeans over my butt. Could-not-get-them-over-my-ba-donk-a-donk.

So, you can imagine me wrestling with my own feet in that small cubicle of a dressing room trying to get the jeans off. Outside, Amanda flipped through a pop-culture book wondering if I was in a UFC fight or trying on a pair of jeans.

I raised the ante to 34x32 jeans at the next stop, Buffalo Exchange. Still no luck. I could get the jeans on, but the waist was WAY too big. I pulled the jeans away from me by the button. There was so much room I could see my knees.

These, too, shall not pass.

I remember back in like 1999 when you bought jeans because of the wash, not the fit, because EVERY pair of jeans fit right because the only fit was baggy. R.I.P. gangsta rap.

So now that I've tried the stylish places, what am I left with? The Old Navy's, American Eagle's and GAP's of every American Mall? I'd rather not mimic the back-to-school styles of every other junior high student.

I can't give up this fight, this war, to find jeans, because I need them like Britney Spears needs autotune... I just don't want my jeans to fit like Britney's.

I'll take recommendations for affordable, relaxed fitting men's jeans in the comments. Now, on a related note, here's the most underrated Genuwine song ever. This one's dedicated to The Wives, who heard me sing this at random too many times in the old apartment. Enjoy.