'Elite' isn't good enough for life insurance

Now that I'm a responsible, mortgage-paying adult and all, I thought it was about time to get life insurance so that, in the incident that I bite the dust early, Amanda and my extended family aren't screwed with my debts. Also, my Mom (the insurance agent) told me I should, so that's that.

I figured it'd be good to get Amanda some minimal life insurance as well. She's still struggling with my decision to only buy half the amount of insurance for her, insisting that I think she's only half as valuable. I plead the fifth.

Life insurance rates vary depending on your health, of course. I believe the technical terms in order of affordability are "elite preferred," "preferred" and "crappy." To determine where you fall in the ranks, you have to visit a nurse to get your vitals measured. Health is a business first, no doubt.

Last week, Amanda and I skipped out of work early to see the insurance nurse. Amanda was concerned about her cholesterol being too high, but we knew that we would comfortably be able to meet all of the other standards for the "elite preferred" rate. Amanda ate oatmeal all week to be safe.

Thevisit was fairly standard except for the nurse continually missing my veins when trying to draw blood. Three needle wounds later she got what she wanted and I had crack-addict track marks.

Yesterday morning, Mom sent us an email that started, "Well, your wife has bragging rights for the moment..."

Amanda has scored "elite preferred" but I had only qualified for "elite." Aside for one game of bowling, this is the only other competition Amanda has tangibly beat me at, not that I'm competitive about it or anything.

My damn blood pressure was too high. This felt like my "overweight" BMI score all over again. My blood pressure has been too high in past, but I thought I had that under control for the last couple of years.

CLEARLY my wife had sabotaged me before the nurse appointment with stressful conversation, knowing that high blood pressure would be my Achilles' heel. Amanda just loves talking about getting pregnant and home projects and buying boats and all sorts of things that would require added responsibility and income.

It's not like my blood pressure is going to get any lower as these ideas become realities. Good thing I have life insurance now at an "elite" rate to cover all of the above.