Jeff Renner, you son of a bitch.
You, the "chief meteorologist of King 5," told me it was supposed to snow yesterday. It didn't. One to 3-inches of accumulation in the Seattle area, you said. Blasphamy. I'm about to go old school on your ass and cut off your tongue (with the machete Scott gave me for Christmas) for the blatant lie you told.
Even King 5 meteorologist Shannon O'Donnell, the Vanna White to your Pat Sajak, said it was going to snow us into a new Ice Age yesterday, but instead it just rained. And rained. The only thing worse than a dick tease is a snow tease, and Shannon O'Donnell is Queen Snow Tease.
Weatherpeople piss me off. They seek to fill their audience with disappointment under the veil of forecasting weather.
Ever since I can remember, I fell for all the commercial teasers by local broadcast stations claiming that snow was on the way. What a ratings scam. I stayed up late for the 11 o'clock news every time, wading through the sports, politics and untimely death reports to learn if and when snow would arrive. Yes, snow is on the way, the weatherperson would say. I'd then go to sleep, anxious to frolic in the snow the following morning. I'd dream of snowmen, snow angels, sledding and making yellow snowcones. Yet, in the morning, I would look out the window and see the same grass and concrete I saw every non-snowy morning. The grief and disappoint was unbearable. At age 5, I didn't have the diction I would later developed as a teenager, otherwise I would have said, "Fuck this."
I'm convinced that at least half the children in juvenile detention centers must be disturbed and angered by false snow forecasts. Thankfully, I had the outlet of playing mildly violent 8-bit Nintendo video games or tracing Cookie Monster and Elmo to calm my nerves, otherwise I'd probably be selling crack today.
"Weatherpeople" is the modern, politically-correct term for what people used to call "prophets" back in the day. Just like weatherpeople, prophets thought they knew what would happen in the future, but were usually wrong. Most of them did it for the attention. Sure some of them had God on their side, but today's weatherpeople have science on their side. Close enough.
I can only pray that, hundreds of years from now, some lunatic doesn't start a religion worshipping Jeff Renner.