The night of the magical, mystery energy drink

Amanda has been working overnight shifts this week, which has allowed me some additional time (and expectations) to finish hanging and touching up our kitchen cupboards. I planned to finish the cupboards last night but was feeling sluggish. My insomniac Dad left a couple bottles of 5-hour Energy at our house and I figured it’d be worth a try getting an extra energy boost to get the job done. recommends grooms drink it before a wedding over other energy drinks, so this would be a good test.

At 6 p.m. I drank the concoction, which tasted no worse than any other expired energy drink that Scott often forces upon me when we’re skiing. I didn’t notice a difference in the way I felt either. According to the directions, you’re supposed to feel the energy boost after five minutes. I didn’t feel much of a difference after 10 minutes, so I forgot about it and got to working.

I finished the job at around 10 p.m. WAIT. 10 p.m.? I thought it was 7:30 p.m. at the latest. That sneaky bastard of an energy drink snuck up on me big time. I was totally focused and felt amazing – not usually the case after a home project.

I felt giddy, too. I took a break to watch The Office and it was HILARIOUS. Can’t tell you why, but that show had me cacklin’. At commercial I put the show on pause and grabbed my guitar. I played ONE song FOR 45 MINUTES. It passed like four minutes. I rewinded the TV (Thanks, DVR!) and finished The Office. It was like the commercial never happened! I was living in a blissful time-warp. Call me Marty McFly.

It’s funny how you appreciate little things about people when they’re not around. By 11:30 p.m. I was really appreciative about how Amanda keeps me on a schedule. She likes to go to sleep by 10 p.m. without fail, and that always benefits me the next day. In fear of having a terrible morning, I shut down the house and went to bed, reluctantly fighting the urge to watch Bruce Lee vignettes on YouTube.

Fabrizio joined me on the bed. I curled up and tried to sleep. No luck. The bed was moving. I felt like I was on a magic carpet! It was Fabrzio’s fault. He was cleaning himself, which I’m sure he does every night, but this time I could feel his every little lunge to clean his paws. It felt like he was lifting the bed and slowly waving it like a flag in the wind. I pushed him to the floor to transform my magic carpet back to a bed.

Then, at around midnight, I could only hear my heartbeat. It actually wasn’t my heart. It was a hummingbird that replaced my heart. I thought for some time about the hummingbirds that frequent my grandparents condo in Palm Desert. I fell asleep with the comfort that I like hummingbirds and that I had one now.

5-Hour Energy isn’t technically liquid crack, but it sure does feel like it. The company is totally transparent about its ingredients, which include Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Niacin (Vitamin B3), Folic Acid (Vitamin B9), Citicoline, Tyrosine, Phenylalanine, Taurine, Malic Acid, Glucuronolactone and caffeine.

I know what the vitamins and caffeine are. The rest of the ingredients are just dinosaur names. 5-Hour Energy warns that “A small percentage of people are sensitive to Niacin (Vitamin B3) and may experience a “Niacin Flush” (hot prickly feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. This is caused by Niacin increasing blood flow near the skin.” That sounds normal, right?

The real problem with 5-Hour Energy is that it falsely advertises. If you’ve been keeping track of my timeline, my energy boost lasted six hours – It’s even better than the brand claims!

Back to my story… I woke up at 6 a.m. for a work call at 6:30 a.m. and I was scared that I would feel the side effects of my energy kick. If alcohol has a consequence then so must this liquid crack.

Not the case. I felt really great. Certainly normal and I felt rested. After the call I cleaned up my repairs mess from the previous evening and even remembered to take out the garbage out to the street for the garbage dudes to pick up. That rarely happens without reminder. I felt accomplished.

I also felt nervous. In the words of Tobey Macguire’s Spiderman, “Great power comes with great responsibility.” This 5 Hour Energy is some powerful stuff, so I must use it sparingly – namely on my wedding day, during finals week and on the weekends.