The nose of a 10-year-old

Here we go again. This time I’m at work. Two days ago it was on the airplane from New York. Last week it was in the shower. I have the body of a Greek god and the nose of a 10-year-old. Yes, I get bloody noses. Add that to my nerd resume.

Ironically I never got bloody noses when I was a little dude. I even BROKE MY NOSE when I was 10 years old and IT DIDN’T BLEED when I broke it. I started having random bloody nose episodes in college and have since had them occasionally throughout my 20s.

I’ve noticed two major trends contributing to my nose leaks. First, the time of the year. This late winter season is the worst because the air is so dry. I am seriously thinking about investing in a humidifier for the bedroom so that my nose can get some moisture at night. Second, my stress level. I was stressed as shit this last week with work and wedding preparations and that probably pushed my blood pressure up. On the day that I proposed to Amanda I had a terrible bloody nose before we left. Not my most suave moment, I know.

While I’m not a striking image of my Dad, I seemed to have inherited his nose because he grew up with bloody noses and actually had his nose cauterized. I’m reaching a point where I probably need the same procedure. (I’d also like to thank Dad at this time for the loose shoulders. Can’t wait to get mine stapled down!) I always bleed out of my left nostril and I just want the damn thing replaced at this point.

Bloody noses used to freak me out because I have a weak stomach, but now I’m somewhat used to them. What annoys me is that lingering taste of pennies. Oh, and you know what else I don’t like? That tampons are the best way to stop bloody noses. It makes sense and all, but I really hate walking past a mirror and seeing a tampon up my nose.

I want to stop at the mirror and say, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, I have a tampon up my nose.”

This was not what I pictured adulthood being like.