On Saturday, Scott and I made big plans to finish up some projects around the house and maybe go to the Helly Hansen outlet in Chehalis or an early movie. These plans came to a screeching halt when I left Scott and Walker alone together. People have tried to warn me. They would say, “I would not leave MY husband alone with a girl like Walker.” But, as usual, I never listen until it’s too late.
It happened as I was in the shower. I swear it was only 10 minutes. During that time, Walker and Scott happened to catch just one segment of “Man Vs. Food” on the Food Network. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know we had the Food Network (I’m afraid now that Scott will be DVR-ing shows for me to watch so I can learn to cook). When I got out of the shower, it seemed like the car was already running and driving itself to IHOP.
For all you food fans out there, or truck drivers, or anyone suffering from a very bad hangover, IHOP is currently running a Halloween special. $4.99 gets you two eggs, hash browns, and unlimited pancakes.
The stage was set and the stakes were high. The bet: If Walker won, Scott would pay her first month rent at her new apartment. If Scott won, Walker will be his stovetop popcorn wench for the remainder of her stay at our house, having to make him popcorn on demand. Honestly, being the only witness/judge to this gluttonous show of carbs and sugar, I could not tell you who was going to win. I know Scott would seem like the heavy favorite, but Walker is like a ninja when it comes to food -- you turn your back for one second and your whole burrito is missing.
Out of the gates, Walker made a rookie mistake. She went right for the hash browns. Yes, the hash browns are tempting, but you’ll never win rent that way. Her strategy was to eat slowly and enjoy her food. She spread her butter around and created a pool of syrup that she could use to dip her perfectly cut pieces of buttermilk pancakes into.
Scott took another approach. He grabbed his knife and fork like he was raised by cavemen and started stabbing his buttermilked enemy. He seemed to thrash and shred them until he looked like a hog eating out of a trough. It only took him only four spoonfuls and his plate was clean. Walker bowed out at pancake number five, a respectable number considering she had also eaten hash browns and two fried eggs. Scott, being the overachiever that he is, did not stop when her white flag was raised and kept going until he finished eight pancakes.
When we got home to do the things we “had to get done today,” Scott ended up in the bed, passed out due to the effect of his sugar high, then sugar crash. Walker ended up on the couch with a heating pad and our cat curled up on her. Animals are very sensitive to when humans are in pain, and I can only assume Snowflake was trying to comfort Walker through her food coma.
I am sitting here in silence trying to figure out who was to blame for this horribly unproductive day. Was it Walker for living here, for encouraging Scott to do these kind of activities?
Or was it Scott? He does tend to be the root of many ridiculous ideas. I’ve thought about installing parental controls on our TV due to his wanting to act out whatever he sees on TV. He currently watches “Top Gear” and after every episode takes 45 minutes for him to drop the worst British accent I’ve ever heard. Also, since the last Fast & Furious movie came out, he is obsessed with me getting a WRX and “rallying all around Fed Wheezy” (Federal Way).
And let’s not forget one of the greatest couples fights when he wouldn’t stop watching “Man vs. Wild” and wanted me to drop him off in the middle of Dash Point State Park with nothing but a knife, a lighter and an energy drink.
How different would my Saturday have turned out if Walker or Scott had not seen “Man vs. Food?” We may never know…