A continuous challenge in parenting is finding the best way to discipline. It’s a moving target because kids grow and evolve through challenges (to be disciplined) and motivations (to be rewarded or removed).
I was talking to our friend Sean Allphin about child discipline the other day, and he said books were the motivation for him growing up. He didn’t care about being punished or grounded mostly because he loved reading and just got more time to read in his room. Finally, his mother, a school librarian of all things, took away his books to punish him and that did it. He never wanted to do wrong again.
Book removal would also be a suitable punishment for your sister, but I have a hard time imagining that we’d take a way such an important learning tool. That is, of course, unless she pushes us.
As for me, I simply didn’t want to disappoint my parents. Your Nonno would let me know if I failed him or dissappointed him and especially if I disappointed my Mom (your Grandma Vicki). It hurt more if he told me she was upset than if she told me herself. By all accounts, I was a good kid so that didn’t happen often so when I was punished it really mattered because I really screwed up.
Mom and I have struggled over the years with how best to discipline you effectively for wrongdoings and especially poor listening. We’ve taken toys away, but you don’t care and just play with something else. Verbal punishment certainly doesn’t work because you talk back and always want to get the last word in. We’ve taken away shows and movies, but you seem to know that if there isn’t a show today, there could be one tomorrow. You’re generally fearless of punishment and make sure to let us know.
We learned that screen time is the ticket to get you in line, with some important nuance. The screen time has to be related to your Kindle Fire, not just TV time in general. You and Eliza only get to use the Kindle Fire on longer road trips to the cabin or up to the mountain skiing, so it’s special occasion. We had taken the Kindle Fire away entirely before, and in hindsight I realize that was too limited for us because we’d only have one shot at taking it away for effect. We sometimes have to pile on the punishment to get you to snap in line.
Credit to your Mom, she started taking away minutes from your Kindle: “Matteo, you talked back. That’s 5 minutes away from your Kindle time.” Later, “Matteo, don’t yell at your sister, now you’re up to 10 minutes of lost screen time.” These cumulative minutes have added up to 20 before, and when we’re in the car for a next long drive, you agonize over not using your Kindle Fire right away like Eliza and really feel the loss. Eliza’s not immune either. She’s lost screen time minutes, just not as many.
There’s an unexpected benefit, too. You watch the clock and count the remaining penalty box time. You’re doing math by the minute.
All of this is to say that parenting you hasn’t always been obvious to us or automatic getting you or Eliza to desired behaviors. There’s no manual, just trial and error, success and frustration, for everyone. But the times when we get it right, it’s like magic. We’re all happy and acting right.
I share this now because you’re going to have your own trials trying to determine the best way to handle a situation, find an incentive or motivation and change behavior and not limited to parenting. You’ll get frustrated and even feel like you’re sliding backwards. But if you’re in charge, you’ll find the patience and get it right.
Love,
Dad