Man vs. Food vs. Scott. vs. Walker vs. IHOP

In this exclusive guest post, my best friend-in-law Courtney describes a surprising, disturbing bout at IHOP between her husband and her friend Walker. The lesson learned? IHOP always wins.

By Courtney

On Saturday, Scott and I made big plans to finish up some projects around the house and maybe go to the Helly Hansen outlet in Chehalis or an early movie. These plans came to a screeching halt when I left Scott and Walker alone together. People have tried to warn me. They would say, “I would not leave MY husband alone with a girl like Walker.” But, as usual, I never listen until it’s too late.

It happened as I was in the shower. I swear it was only 10 minutes. During that time, Walker and Scott happened to catch just one segment of “Man Vs. Food” on the Food Network.  To tell you the truth, I didn’t even know we had the Food Network (I’m afraid now that Scott will be DVR-ing shows for me to watch so I can learn to cook). When I got out of the shower, it seemed like the car was already running and driving itself to IHOP.

For all you food fans out there, or truck drivers, or anyone suffering from a very bad hangover, IHOP is currently running a Halloween special.  $4.99 gets you two eggs, hash browns, and unlimited pancakes.

The stage was set and the stakes were high. The bet: If Walker won, Scott would pay her first month rent at her new apartment. If Scott won, Walker will be his stovetop popcorn wench for the remainder of her stay at our house, having to make him popcorn on demand. Honestly, being the only witness/judge to this gluttonous show of carbs and sugar, I could not tell you who was going to win. I know Scott would seem like the heavy favorite, but Walker is like a ninja when it comes to food -- you turn your back for one second and your whole burrito is missing.

Out of the gates, Walker made a rookie mistake. She went right for the hash browns. Yes, the hash browns are tempting, but you’ll never win rent that way. Her strategy was to eat slowly and enjoy her food.  She spread her butter around and created a pool of syrup that she could use to dip her perfectly cut pieces of buttermilk pancakes into.

Scott took another approach. He grabbed his knife and fork like he was raised by cavemen and started stabbing his buttermilked enemy. He seemed to thrash and shred them until he looked like a hog eating out of a trough. It only took him only four spoonfuls and his plate was clean. Walker bowed out at pancake number five, a respectable number considering she had also eaten hash browns and two fried eggs. Scott, being the overachiever that he is, did not stop when her white flag was raised and kept going until he finished eight pancakes.

When we got home to do the things we “had to get done today,” Scott ended up in the bed, passed out due to the effect of his sugar high, then sugar crash. Walker ended up on the couch with a heating pad and our cat curled up on her. Animals are very sensitive to when humans are in pain, and I can only assume Snowflake was trying to comfort Walker through her food coma.

I am sitting here in silence trying to figure out who was to blame for this horribly unproductive day. Was it Walker for living here, for encouraging Scott to do these kind of activities?

Or was it Scott? He does tend to be the root of many ridiculous ideas. I’ve thought about installing parental controls on our TV due to his wanting to act out whatever he sees on TV. He currently watches “Top Gear” and after every episode takes 45 minutes for him to drop the worst British accent I’ve ever heard. Also, since the last Fast & Furious movie came out, he is obsessed with me getting a WRX and “rallying all around Fed Wheezy” (Federal Way).

And let’s not forget one of the greatest couples fights when he wouldn’t stop watching “Man vs. Wild” and wanted me to drop him off in the middle of Dash Point State Park with nothing but a knife, a lighter and an energy drink.

How different would my Saturday have turned out if Walker or Scott had not seen “Man vs. Food?” We may never know…

The backpack fiasco of 2010

Dude, yesterday totally sucked. I had a slightly unusual morning as Amanda and I needed to drop Sergio off at the airport for his photo gig in Maui. This should be no big deal. I've dropped people off at the airport before. However, that slight modification to my morning schedule must have thrown me off (that and my slow evolution out of being a morning person) enough for me to forget my backpack. What do I keep in my backpack? Oh, just my work computer. Without it I am like Zorro without a sword.

I realized I had left my backpack at home close to SeaTac Airport. So I freaked out.

It was about 7:30 a.m., Amanda needed to be at work in Magnolia at 8 a.m. and I needed to be at work in Bellevue by 8:30 a.m. The timing didn't work out. Fortunately, I have some flexible colleagues. I was able to cancel my morning meetings so that I could drop Amanda off for work on time and haul ass back to Tacoma to pickup my backpack and computer.

I originally intended to grab my computer from Tacoma and turnaround to head north to Bellevue, but I was on the road for 2.5 hours by the time I got home and traffic northbound was crappy in Federal Way.

I turned my "will be in the office late" into a "WFH" and opted to go into the office at lunch.

I love working from home and the reasons continue to grow. First, I get to see my house during the day, a less frequent encounter these days. It's totally refreshing to see your rooms by sunlight instead of lightbulb. Second, there's so much more life in Tacoma during the daytime and it's fantastic. We live a block away from the local elementary, which usually has no affect on us, but it's cool seeing all of those students and parents walking to and from school. It makes me feel like we live truly in a neighborhood.

I left for work after lunch and made it to Bellevue in 40 minutes -- half the time of the morning commute. It's amazing how traffic can take so much time out of the day, huh?

What did I learn from yesterday?

• My attitude can turn 180 degrees in about the same time I can run a 40-yard dash -- so somewhat quickly.
• I have developed some kind of  Truman Show-regimented lifestyle where if one thing changes it really throws me off for the whole day. That's not a good thing.
• I don't live that far away from where I work afterall, traffic just makes it feel that way.
• I must be getting overloaded with stress because how could I leave my work computer at home? Too much on my plate and not enough exercise, I think. Like 2Pac, I need to start making changes.

Watch out Jenni Hogan, there's a new traffic girl in town

When spending two to three hours a day commuting with your spouse, you can learn in months what takes most people years! For example, I learned that Amanda should have been a traffic reporter, like KIRO's Jenni Hogan, but without the Aussie accent.

Whether she's the driver or passenger, Amanda calls out traffic reports in real-time. She's not looking at Google Maps or another mobile application to tell me what we can expect. No, she reports exactly what's in front of us.

When traffic is light, she'll report it: "Not too much traffic today. Traffic is usually light on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but Wednesdays and Fridays are just horrible."

When traffic is heavy, she'll report it and with reason: "Look at all of these people! Where are they going? I think there's a dentist convention downtown, so these must all be dentists."

She'll weave in how weather is impacting traffic ("It's a little foggy today, so people should really slow down") and she'll make conversation around unremarkable traffic ("We're moving fast today because it's not Friday"). All that's missing is a pitch to the weather guy ("Back to you, Greg!").

When I'm driving, she describes traffic like I'm blind: "There are break lights in front of you, lots of breaking going on... Someone is going to switch lanes in front of us now."

Her favorite lines are "Holy Jumanji" or "Oh my Jumanji." Anything Jumanji-related substitutes for cussing. I don't know what that tells us about her feelings toward the movie or Robin Williams.

Heaven forbid she sees a motorcycle. Whenever she sees one, she expresses her worry for the rider's safety. She watches the motorcyclist like a hawk and comments on if he's switching lanes, if she thinks other cars see him and if she'd like to give him a hug or not.

www.sjindustries.com/quick-weekend-loans

Much like how people show different sides of their personalities in the workplace versus at parties, so do they show unique personality flavors while driving. Hence, road rage. Well Amanda has shown a sort of manic, obsessive personality when she's in the car.

It's the price I pay for use of the HOV lane, right?

Fabrizio's Halloween Invitation

Come one, come all! Saturday, October 30th, at the Haunted Oakes (our house). Trick or treat me for details.

Suited and Styled by Men's Wearhouse

Disclosure: This is a sponsored blog post. Men’s Wearhouse provided me a spending allowance to write about shopping at its Northgate Seattle location. See the previous story here. I picked up my suits and jacket at the Men's Wearhouse this past weekend, and damn I look good! Here are the final results:

Mom loved the Pronto Uomo blazer:

Here's the svelte Calvin Klein suit:

Finally, here's my dapper Don Draper Tallia suit:

Big thanks to the good folks at Men's Wearhouse for hooking up my style!

Don't forget, the National Suit Drive is on through the month of September. If you have professional wear that you'd like to donate to people reentering the workforce, turn the garments in to your local Men's Wearhouse location to score a 25 percent off coupon in exchange.